How can proper therapy help children of couples going through separation or divorce. The short and long term impact of broken families on children and their present behaviors inside and outside of school.
Separation and divorce are emotionally challenging experiences for families, particularly for children. The instability and emotional turmoil associated with a family breakup can significantly affect a child’s mental, emotional, and social well-being. However, proper therapy plays a crucial role in helping children navigate this difficult transition, providing them with coping mechanisms that can mitigate both short- and long-term negative effects. Let’s first discuss the short term effect on children when parents separate or divorce
Short-term effects of separation/divorce on children
The immediate impact of divorce on children can manifest in various ways, depending on their age, personality, and the level of conflict between parents. Some of the common short-term effects include:
1. Emotional distress
- Feelings of confusion, sadness, anger, guilt, or anxiety are prevalent.
- Fear of abandonment or concerns about stability can arise.
- Mood swings and emotional outbursts may occur as children struggle to process the change.
2. Behavioral changes
- Increased irritability, aggression, or defiance toward authority figures.
- Withdrawal from family and social activities.
- Difficulty concentrating on schoolwork and extracurricular activities.
3. Academic decline
- Decreased motivation and lower academic performance.
- Struggles with focus and attention due to emotional distress.
- Increased absenteeism or disinterest in school activities.
4. Social struggles
- Difficulty maintaining friendships due to feelings of isolation.
- Potential trust issues, making it harder to form new bonds.
- Increased dependence on one parent while distancing from the other.
Long-term effects of separation/divorce:
If not properly addressed, the impact of a broken family can extend into adulthood. Long-term consequences include:
1. Emotional and psychological struggles
- Higher risk of anxiety and depression.
- Difficulty managing emotions in future relationships.
- Fear of commitment and trust issues in personal relationships.
2. Poor relationship patterns
- Increased likelihood of experiencing relationship conflicts or divorces in their own future marriages.
- Struggles with attachment and intimacy due to unresolved childhood trauma.
3. Academic and career setbacks
- Lower self-esteem and confidence may hinder academic and career success.
- Increased likelihood of dropping out of school or underachieving.
- Difficulty in handling workplace relationships and professional growth.
4. Risky behavior and substance abuse
- Higher probability of engaging in risky behaviors such as drug or alcohol abuse.
- Increased chances of engaging in delinquent activities.
- Potential difficulty in managing stress and peer pressure.
How therapy helps children cope with separation/divorce
Proper therapy offers children a safe space to express their emotions, understand their situation, and develop healthy coping mechanisms. Some of the key benefits of therapy include:
1. Emotional expression and validation
- Encourages children to talk about their feelings in a non-judgmental environment.
- Helps them understand that their emotions are valid and normal.
- Assists in reducing guilt or self-blame associated with the divorce.
2. Building coping skills
- Equips children with tools to manage anxiety, sadness, and anger.
- Teaches relaxation techniques such as mindfulness and deep breathing.
- Provides problem-solving skills to handle stress and uncertainty.
3. Strengthening parent-child relationships
- Family therapy can help parents and children communicate more effectively.
- Encourages parents to co-parent in a way that prioritizes the child’s well-being.
- Helps parents understand their child’s perspective and emotions.
4. Enhancing academic and social performance
- Therapists work with children to improve concentration and motivation in school.
- Social skills training can help children rebuild friendships and trust.
- Therapy provides strategies to adapt to new family dynamics and school environments.
5. Preventing long-term psychological impact
- Early intervention reduces the likelihood of future mental health issues.
- Therapy fosters resilience, teaching children how to adapt to change positively.
- Encourages self-confidence and a positive outlook on relationships and family.
Types of therapy beneficial for children of divorce
1. Individual therapy
A licensed therapist works one-on-one with the child to address emotional distress, behavioral changes, and coping strategies tailored to their needs.
2. Family therapy
Helps improve communication between parents and children, ensuring that all family members understand and support one another during the transition.
3. Group therapy
Allows children to interact with peers who are also experiencing parental separation, helping them feel less isolated and providing shared coping strategies.
4. Play therapy (For Younger Children)
Engages children in play-based activities that allow them to express emotions non-verbally and process their experiences in a way that feels natural to them.
5. Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
Helps children identify and challenge negative thoughts, replacing them with positive thinking patterns and effective coping mechanisms.
Divorce can have profound short- and long-term effects on children, but proper therapy provides them with the support they need to cope with emotional distress, build resilience, and maintain healthy relationships. By investing in professional therapy, parents can help their children navigate this challenging period and ensure a healthier, more stable future. Ultimately, prioritizing a child’s emotional and psychological well-being during a family breakup can make all the difference in their ability to thrive despite the challenges they face.
Knowing when its time to let go of your existing relationship. Some obvious signs that the end is soon approaching.
As a devoted marriage counselor, my purpose is to guide individuals in improving their romantic relationships and, in many cases, rescuing marriages teetering on the brink of divorce. Through my extensive experience, I have come to understand the multifaceted nature of healthy relationships. When couples seek my assistance, they often present their existing problems, seeking solutions—a natural expectation. However, I must prioritize the safety and well-being of all parties involved, and I cannot ignore instances of violence and abuse within a marriage.
If I were to attempt to salvage a marriage plagued by violence and abuse, I would be accepting the responsibility for potential dire consequences that the vulnerable spouse may face. As marriage counselors, our role is to provide options and alternatives to the challenges couples encounter, but we should not gauge our professional success solely by the number of marriages saved throughout our careers.
When couples come to me seeking guidance for their existing challenges, I refrain from asking the traditional question, “What brought you here today?” Instead, I shift the focus to the positive outcomes they hope to achieve during our session. By avoiding the former question, which opens the floodgates to all their problems, I create space for a more positive and productive conversation.
As counselors, it is our duty to help couples rediscover the initial reasons that brought them together—the joyful memories, the emotional and spiritual connections they experienced during their courtship. By allowing them to reconnect with the positive aspects of their relationship, rather than solely focusing on the overwhelming issues they currently face, we can foster peace of mind and enable effective communication between them. This approach does not imply avoiding discussions about their problems; rather, it encourages a different approach to addressing them.
It is undeniable that most people yearn for a long-term, committed partnership. However, the journey toward achieving this goal is often laden with challenges. Startling statistics reveal that around 50% of initial marriages end in divorce, while an even higher percentage of subsequent marriages—66% for second marriages and 73% for third marriages—ultimately meet the same fate. It is disheartening to witness so many relationships dissolve needlessly, especially when there is potential for restoration. The root cause of these failures often lies in the absence of a reliable guiding system and with that creates a very hostile environment for both couples and may be the sign to let go of what can be a very long lasting toxic relationship.
Here are some obvious signs to pay attention to when dealing with very difficult marriage.
- Loss of Hope from Both Partners: Obviously, this should be the first one to write about.
When both partners have reached a point of surrendering hope, it becomes evident through the absence of any efforts to improve the relationship. The once warm connection has now grown cold and brittle. One or both individuals may be silently awaiting the opportune moment to exit, having resigned themselves to the belief that love is no longer attainable.
Determining the right time to leave is a deeply personal decision that no one else can truly dictate. As a counselor, when someone seeks my guidance, I conduct a comprehensive assessment, delving into the intricacies of their relationship. We explore the duration of their partnership, the presence of children, their previous attempts to seek help, and the aspirations each individual holds for their future. By thoroughly examining these factors, we can gain clarity and insight to navigate the best path forward.
2. Frequent Occurrence of Betrayals
When we mention betrayals, our minds typically gravitate toward instances of sexual infidelity within certain relationships. However, it’s important to recognize that betrayals can manifest in both emotional and sexual forms. When we find ourselves lacking a sense of security and unable to rely on our partner for both physical and emotional support, it might be a sign that it is time to consider exiting the relationship.
3. Redirecting Energies Outside the Relationship
As our commitment to a relationship wanes, we may gradually find ourselves investing our energies in other connections. Sharing our genuine emotions with close friends becomes more prevalent. Our focus shifts towards external sources, and we start giving to others what we have ceased to offer our partner. This redirection of attention can be a sign that the relationship is no longer receiving the necessary care and investment, prompting the need for introspection and potential reevaluation.
4. Leading Separate Lives
While the relationship may appear intact on the surface, the truth is that both you and your partner have started living separate lives. Your individual interests and pursuits have shifted elsewhere, leaving your life with your partner feeling like a mere hollow shell. This disconnect signifies a significant gap in emotional and relational connection, highlighting the need for honest introspection and potential actions to rebuild the bond or reassess the future of the relationship.
5. Transition from Love to Hostility
Frequently, couples express moments when intense emotions make them contemplate extreme thoughts toward their partner, even while acknowledging the presence of lingering love. Similarly, some individuals admit that the love they once shared has diminished, yet they still harbor a sense of concern and desire for the revival of affection. However, when love transforms into hate, it may indicate that the relationship requires serious consideration and possibly an end.
6. Seeking Distance from the Relationship
In circumstances where relationships have become consistently unhappy, individuals or their partners may actively seek ways to create distance. They may resort to working long hours or find excuses to avoid returning home. These behaviors can be indicative of underlying dissatisfaction within the relationship, and it may be necessary to address these issues in order to restore harmony and fulfillment.
7. The Dominance of Blame and Shame in the Relationship
Nurturing care and mutual respect are essential pillars of a healthy marriage. However, in troubled relationships, a destructive pattern emerges where one partner is constantly blamed, demeaned, and subjected to derogatory remarks. This toxic behavior undermines the foundation of the relationship and inhibits its potential for growth and happiness.
8. Detrimental Impact on Your Well-being
While all relationships can be sources of stress to some extent, chronic stress stemming from a relationship can have severe consequences on your health. It can lead to various ailments, ranging from breast cancer to heart problems. If the relationship you’re in is taking a toll on your physical and emotional well-being, it might be necessary to consider leaving it in order to prioritize your overall health.
9. Unfair Attribution of Blame
In any relationship, when difficulties arise, it is common for both individuals to contribute to the problem’s existence as well as its resolution. However, if one person consistently shifts all blame onto the other and holds them solely responsible for every issue that arises, it serves as a clear sign that the relationship is trapped in a detrimental pattern, hindering progress and growth.
Frequently, individuals seek my assistance when they recognize that their relationship is facing significant challenges. Often, one person contemplates leaving, while the other remains committed to preserving the partnership. Remarkably, even relationships that appear grim and devoid of hope have witnessed remarkable progress and restoration through my guidance.
It’s important to acknowledge that not all relationships can be salvaged, and some may need to conclude in order for both partners to find renewed freedom and forge ahead with their lives.
Lingering in a stagnant and unfulfilling relationship can inflict unimaginable pain, just as leaving a relationship carries its own unique set of emotional burdens. If you find yourself grappling with the decision of whether to stay or leave, I highly recommend seeking the support of a skilled marriage counselor who can offer valuable insights and facilitate a constructive exploration of your options.
