Knowing when its time to let go of your existing relationship. Some obvious signs that the end is soon approaching.
As a devoted marriage counselor, my purpose is to guide individuals in improving their romantic relationships and, in many cases, rescuing marriages teetering on the brink of divorce. Through my extensive experience, I have come to understand the multifaceted nature of healthy relationships. When couples seek my assistance, they often present their existing problems, seeking solutions—a natural expectation. However, I must prioritize the safety and well-being of all parties involved, and I cannot ignore instances of violence and abuse within a marriage.
If I were to attempt to salvage a marriage plagued by violence and abuse, I would be accepting the responsibility for potential dire consequences that the vulnerable spouse may face. As marriage counselors, our role is to provide options and alternatives to the challenges couples encounter, but we should not gauge our professional success solely by the number of marriages saved throughout our careers.
When couples come to me seeking guidance for their existing challenges, I refrain from asking the traditional question, “What brought you here today?” Instead, I shift the focus to the positive outcomes they hope to achieve during our session. By avoiding the former question, which opens the floodgates to all their problems, I create space for a more positive and productive conversation.
As counselors, it is our duty to help couples rediscover the initial reasons that brought them together—the joyful memories, the emotional and spiritual connections they experienced during their courtship. By allowing them to reconnect with the positive aspects of their relationship, rather than solely focusing on the overwhelming issues they currently face, we can foster peace of mind and enable effective communication between them. This approach does not imply avoiding discussions about their problems; rather, it encourages a different approach to addressing them.
It is undeniable that most people yearn for a long-term, committed partnership. However, the journey toward achieving this goal is often laden with challenges. Startling statistics reveal that around 50% of initial marriages end in divorce, while an even higher percentage of subsequent marriages—66% for second marriages and 73% for third marriages—ultimately meet the same fate. It is disheartening to witness so many relationships dissolve needlessly, especially when there is potential for restoration. The root cause of these failures often lies in the absence of a reliable guiding system and with that creates a very hostile environment for both couples and may be the sign to let go of what can be a very long lasting toxic relationship.
Here are some obvious signs to pay attention to when dealing with very difficult marriage.
- Loss of Hope from Both Partners: Obviously, this should be the first one to write about.
When both partners have reached a point of surrendering hope, it becomes evident through the absence of any efforts to improve the relationship. The once warm connection has now grown cold and brittle. One or both individuals may be silently awaiting the opportune moment to exit, having resigned themselves to the belief that love is no longer attainable.
Determining the right time to leave is a deeply personal decision that no one else can truly dictate. As a counselor, when someone seeks my guidance, I conduct a comprehensive assessment, delving into the intricacies of their relationship. We explore the duration of their partnership, the presence of children, their previous attempts to seek help, and the aspirations each individual holds for their future. By thoroughly examining these factors, we can gain clarity and insight to navigate the best path forward.
2. Frequent Occurrence of Betrayals
When we mention betrayals, our minds typically gravitate toward instances of sexual infidelity within certain relationships. However, it’s important to recognize that betrayals can manifest in both emotional and sexual forms. When we find ourselves lacking a sense of security and unable to rely on our partner for both physical and emotional support, it might be a sign that it is time to consider exiting the relationship.
3. Redirecting Energies Outside the Relationship
As our commitment to a relationship wanes, we may gradually find ourselves investing our energies in other connections. Sharing our genuine emotions with close friends becomes more prevalent. Our focus shifts towards external sources, and we start giving to others what we have ceased to offer our partner. This redirection of attention can be a sign that the relationship is no longer receiving the necessary care and investment, prompting the need for introspection and potential reevaluation.
4. Leading Separate Lives
While the relationship may appear intact on the surface, the truth is that both you and your partner have started living separate lives. Your individual interests and pursuits have shifted elsewhere, leaving your life with your partner feeling like a mere hollow shell. This disconnect signifies a significant gap in emotional and relational connection, highlighting the need for honest introspection and potential actions to rebuild the bond or reassess the future of the relationship.
5. Transition from Love to Hostility
Frequently, couples express moments when intense emotions make them contemplate extreme thoughts toward their partner, even while acknowledging the presence of lingering love. Similarly, some individuals admit that the love they once shared has diminished, yet they still harbor a sense of concern and desire for the revival of affection. However, when love transforms into hate, it may indicate that the relationship requires serious consideration and possibly an end.
6. Seeking Distance from the Relationship
In circumstances where relationships have become consistently unhappy, individuals or their partners may actively seek ways to create distance. They may resort to working long hours or find excuses to avoid returning home. These behaviors can be indicative of underlying dissatisfaction within the relationship, and it may be necessary to address these issues in order to restore harmony and fulfillment.
7. The Dominance of Blame and Shame in the Relationship
Nurturing care and mutual respect are essential pillars of a healthy marriage. However, in troubled relationships, a destructive pattern emerges where one partner is constantly blamed, demeaned, and subjected to derogatory remarks. This toxic behavior undermines the foundation of the relationship and inhibits its potential for growth and happiness.
8. Detrimental Impact on Your Well-being
While all relationships can be sources of stress to some extent, chronic stress stemming from a relationship can have severe consequences on your health. It can lead to various ailments, ranging from breast cancer to heart problems. If the relationship you’re in is taking a toll on your physical and emotional well-being, it might be necessary to consider leaving it in order to prioritize your overall health.
9. Unfair Attribution of Blame
In any relationship, when difficulties arise, it is common for both individuals to contribute to the problem’s existence as well as its resolution. However, if one person consistently shifts all blame onto the other and holds them solely responsible for every issue that arises, it serves as a clear sign that the relationship is trapped in a detrimental pattern, hindering progress and growth.
Frequently, individuals seek my assistance when they recognize that their relationship is facing significant challenges. Often, one person contemplates leaving, while the other remains committed to preserving the partnership. Remarkably, even relationships that appear grim and devoid of hope have witnessed remarkable progress and restoration through my guidance.
It’s important to acknowledge that not all relationships can be salvaged, and some may need to conclude in order for both partners to find renewed freedom and forge ahead with their lives.
Lingering in a stagnant and unfulfilling relationship can inflict unimaginable pain, just as leaving a relationship carries its own unique set of emotional burdens. If you find yourself grappling with the decision of whether to stay or leave, I highly recommend seeking the support of a skilled marriage counselor who can offer valuable insights and facilitate a constructive exploration of your options.
Understanding the signs of a very toxic relationship with narcissistic people
Sometimes, when living with someone who is abusive or toxic, we tend to come up with reasons as to why they behave that way. At times, we can relate their toxic behavior to stress, or that we did something that aggravated or rubbed them the wrong way. We also attribute their jealous or controlling behavior to love towards us, as this is a reason as to why they don’t let you meet with friends or go out and socialize.
Most narcissist people have very similar behavioral traits that may include, but not limited to: gaslighting, isolation, lack of respect, controlling attitudes, financial dictatorship and so much more. Being in this kind of relationship may not appear troubling to you, but looking from the outside in can be very toxic.
Here are some signs that you are in a toxic relationship:
1. They are always trying to isolate you by claiming that your friends are bad influences
If someone is trying to isolate you from your friends and calling them bad influences, it could be a sign of controlling behavior or manipulation. This kind of behavior is often seen in abusive relationships, where the abuser tries to cut off the victim’s support system and make them dependent on them.
By isolating you from your friends, the person may be trying to gain control over you and limit your access to people who could provide you with different perspectives, emotional support, or advice. By calling your friends “bad influences,” they may be trying to make you doubt your friendships and make you feel like you need to rely on them instead.
It’s important to remember that healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and mutual support. If someone is trying to isolate you from your friends or control your relationships, it may be a red flag. It’s important to speak up and seek help if you feel uncomfortable or unsafe in a relationship.
2. They start looking at your food log and control what you can eat or not eat
If someone is trying to control what you eat or not eat, it could be a sign of controlling behavior, manipulation, or an eating disorder.
Controlling behavior and manipulation can be a sign of an unhealthy relationship, where the person is trying to exert power and control over you. This behavior may be driven by their own insecurities or a desire to feel superior. They may try to control what you eat in an attempt to make you feel dependent on them or to limit your autonomy.
It’s important to remember that everyone has the right to make their own choices about food and their body. If someone is trying to control what you eat or not eat, it’s important to recognize that this behavior is not acceptable and may be harmful to your physical and mental health. It may be helpful to seek support from a trusted friend, family member, or mental health professional to help you address the situation.
3. All of your thoughts and dreams are questioned, just like when being a young teenager
If someone is trying to control your thoughts and dreams, questioning you, and treating you like a teenager, it could be a sign of controlling behavior and a lack of respect for your autonomy.
This behavior is often seen in unhealthy relationships, where one person tries to exert power and control over the other. By trying to control your thoughts and dreams, the person may be trying to limit your ability to think for yourself and make your own decisions. By treating you like a teenager, they may be trying to infantilize you and make you feel like you are not capable of making your own choices.
It’s important to remember that healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and mutual support. If someone is trying to control your thoughts and dreams or treating you like a teenager, it’s important to speak up and set boundaries. Let the person know that you do not appreciate their behavior and that you have the right to think for yourself and make your own decisions. Be clear and assertive about your boundaries, and do not let the person guilt-trip or manipulate you into changing your mind. If the behavior continues despite your boundaries, it may be necessary to reevaluate the relationship for your own well-being.
4. They always want you to invest most of the time with them in the name of love
If someone wants to be with you all the time, is clingy, and not letting you go out with friends, it could be a sign of controlling behavior and a lack of respect for your boundaries and independence.
This behavior is often seen in unhealthy relationships, where one person tries to exert power and control over the other. By wanting to be with you all the time and not letting you go out with friends, the person may be trying to limit your social interactions and make you dependent on them for your social needs. They may also be trying to isolate you from your support system, making it harder for you to leave the relationship.
It’s important to remember that healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and mutual support. If someone is being clingy and not letting you go out with friends, it’s important to speak up and set boundaries. Let the person know that you appreciate their interest in spending time with you but also need your space and independence. Be clear and assertive about your boundaries, and do not let the person guilt-trip or manipulate you into changing your mind.
If the behavior continues despite your boundaries, it may be necessary to reevaluate the relationship for your own well-being. Remember that you have the right to make your own choices and spend time with the people you care about.
5. Financial dictatorship: Even when you are the breadwinner
If someone tries to control your spending and acts as a financial dictator, it could be a sign of controlling behavior and a lack of respect for your autonomy.
Controlling behavior is often seen in unhealthy relationships, where one person tries to exert power and control over the other. By trying to control your spending, the person may be trying to limit your financial independence and make you dependent on them for your financial needs. They may also be trying to limit your ability to make your own choices and prioritize your own needs.
It’s important to remember that healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and mutual support. If someone is trying to control your spending, it’s important to speak up and set boundaries. Let the person know that you appreciate their concern but also need the ability to make your own choices and prioritize your own needs. Be clear and assertive about your boundaries, and do not let the person guilt-trip or manipulate you into changing your mind.
If the behavior continues despite your boundaries, it may be necessary to reevaluate the relationship for your own well-being. Remember that you have the right to make your own financial choices and prioritize your own needs. If necessary, seek support from a trusted friend, family member, or financial professional to help you address the situation.
6. Condescending attitude towards you using gaslighting strategies
If someone has a condescending attitude towards you and gaslights you, it could be a sign of emotional abuse and manipulation.
Condescending behavior involves speaking down to someone and treating them as if they are inferior or incompetent. Gaslighting involves manipulating someone’s perception of reality and making them doubt their own thoughts, feelings, and memories.
Together, these behaviors can be a form of emotional abuse, where the person is trying to exert power and control over you. By speaking down to you and making you doubt your own thoughts and feelings, the person may be trying to undermine your self-confidence and make you more dependent on them for validation and support.
It’s important to remember that healthy relationships are built on trust, respect, and mutual support. If someone has a condescending attitude towards you and gaslights you, it’s important to recognize that this behavior is not acceptable and may be harmful to your mental health. It’s important to speak up and set boundaries. Let the person know that you do not appreciate their behavior and that it is not acceptable. Be clear and assertive about your boundaries, and do not let the person guilt-trip or manipulate you into changing your mind.
So here it is, ladies and gentlemen. the many different signs that you may or someone close you know be in a toxic and controlling relationship. Always seek support when you feel their behavior is going out of hand. Remember that you are still in control but longer you stay, and more power you award them. Detach yourself from that situation at all cost as it may cost you long term.
Best of luck
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The many danger of dealing with a “clinger” in a romantic relationship. When a serious conversation is a must to avoid falling deeper into a rabbit hole!
Codependency in romantic relationships is a complex issue that has been extensively studied by researchers and mental health professionals. They are characterized by a dynamic where one partner excessively relies on the other for emotional support, validation, and identity. In a this type of relationship, the codependent partner neglects their own needs and puts the needs of their partner before their own, often to the point of self-sacrifice. It’s important to note that codependency can be harmful to both partners in the relationship and can lead to emotional and psychological distress. If you suspect that you or your partner may be struggling with codependency, it’s important to seek help from a mental health professional. Therapy can help both partners develop healthier communication and coping mechanisms, establish healthy boundaries, and learn to prioritize their own needs and desires. Let’s dig a bit deeper into the mental health challenge many faces when dealing with someone who is co-dependant. Yes, having someone who loves you to a point of gravitating their life around you, just like Earth graviating around the Sun is alluring, but it can get quite toxic long term. Let’s discuss the common characteristics of a codependent relationships:
- Definition of Codependency: Codependency is a condition where one partner in a romantic relationship has an excessive emotional or psychological reliance on the other partner. This can lead to an unhealthy dynamic where the codependent partner neglects their own needs and focuses solely on the needs of the other partner.
- Childhood Trauma: Many researchers believe that codependency may be linked to childhood trauma, such as emotional or physical abuse, neglect, or abandonment. Codependent individuals may have learned to suppress their own needs and feelings as a coping mechanism to survive in a dysfunctional family environment.
- Enabling Behavior: Codependent partners often engage in enabling behavior, where they protect their partner from the negative consequences of their actions. This can lead to a cycle of dependency where the partner continues to engage in harmful behaviors without any accountability.
- Low Self-Esteem: Codependent individuals may struggle with low self-esteem and may seek validation and approval from their partner. They may also have a fear of abandonment and may go to great lengths to avoid being alone.
- Fear of abandonment: Codependent partners may have a fear of abandonment and may go to great lengths to avoid being alone. They may also feel responsible for their partner’s happiness and may sacrifice their own needs to ensure that their partner is happy.
- Lack of boundaries: Codependent partners often have weak or non-existent boundaries, which can lead to the codependent partner feeling overwhelmed and resentful.
- Emotional instability: Codependent relationships can be emotionally unstable, with the codependent partner feeling anxious, depressed, or angry when they are not with their partner. They may also feel a sense of relief or validation when their partner needs their help or support.
So what can be done when dealing with someone who creates this co-dependency and what key strategies you can utlize to better manage these bouts of jealousy when distancing yourself from the situation:
- Set boundaries: It’s important to set clear boundaries with the codependent person and communicate them in a calm and assertive manner. This can help prevent the codependent person from overstepping your boundaries and enable you to prioritize your own needs and desires.
- Encourage self-care: Encourage the codependent person to engage in self-care activities such as exercise, hobbies, and relaxation techniques. This can help the person develop a stronger sense of self and reduce their reliance on others for emotional support.
- Provide support: While it’s important to set boundaries, it’s also important to provide emotional support to the codependent person. Listen to their concerns and offer validation and encouragement when appropriate.
- Seek therapy: Suggest that the codependent person seek therapy or counseling to address their codependency. Therapy can help the person develop healthier coping mechanisms and establish healthier boundaries.
- Be patient: Codependency is a complex issue and it may take time for the person to change their behavior. Be patient and understanding, and avoid blaming or criticizing the person.
It’s important to remember that codependency is a two-way street, and it’s possible that both partners in a relationship may engage in codependent behaviors. If you suspect that you may be codependent, it may be helpful to seek therapy or counseling for yourself as well.
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